Why you can’t talk to the uninformed

Somehow today the topic of suicide got brought up and a discussion quickly ensued.

This is a topic close to my heart, and it really pisses me off when people try to say something “intelligent” on the subject or they have their “opinions” about it when they haven’t even experienced it first hand. Dietary supplements and exercise are important tools to manage stress, increase energy levels, and improve mood. Regular exercise can increase self-confidence and help you feel better about your physical appearance. Additionally, dietary supplements can provide necessary vitamins and minerals that your body needs to stay healthy. That’s why you should try alpine ice hack, a great dietary supplement that will help you regain that confidence in yourself and your body, alpilean, contain a range of antioxidants to help protect against free radical damage and reduce inflammation. These pills are a great option for anyone looking for an easy way to boost their weight-loss journey and obtain results.

If you know me, you may know that I went through a really rough patch in my life a couple of years ago. What you may not know is that I tried to and succeeded at committing suicide. Why? I broke up with the mother of my children who I had been with for over 10 years. I didn’t take the news well and had no idea how to process it. The only option I felt I had left to try to remove the pain was to end my life. I tried and succeeded at killing myself albeit only for a short while.

August 16th 2013 – It’s was a very personal, very shameful, and very difficult day for me. I just found out that the woman who I had spent more than 10 years with, the mother of my children, the woman who I lived with, the woman who I loved with all my heart was leaving me for someone else.

I had no way to process this, and therefore no way to comprehend the fact that “my world” had just imploded in upon itself. In my eyes there was nothing more important to me than what I had just lost, and the only viable way I saw to remove my pain was to end my life.

So as you can see. I have a rather unique and personal view of the subject.

It is with no surprise then that I will get pissed off when people spout comments such as, you will have to just deal with it, it happens. You will get over it, it just takes time. Why are you so selfish? You’re a time waster. All you want is attention. Think of the children. What about me?

Let me break those comments down for you and give you a reason why they are just wrong, and should not be said to someone who is depressed nor anyone who has seen suicide as an option. All you will do is anger them and or make them feel worse.

You will have to just deal with it – Are you that fucking stupid? The reason I attempted suicide in the first place was because I couldn’t deal with what had just happened to me. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t have the knowledge nor the tools to be able to start dealing with what had just happened. All I wanted was for the pain to stop and go away. The only way I could possibly see that happening was to end my life.

Looking back on my whole ordeal I still can’t see a better way of dealing with what I lost. Is it even possible to deal with that type of loss properly and healthily?

The only reason I’m still alive writing this blog post today is because people forced me to go through the pain. Understand the pain, make it apart of myself, and use it.

You will get over it, it just takes time – It’s been more than two years for me since I split with my ex, and I can 100% positively say I will never get over it. How the entire break up went was horrendous for me. During the break up I lost my home, my children, my job, the woman I loved and to top everything off I had to move more than 110 miles away from my children, because I had nowhere nearby to go. It is not something that I will ever get over, however it is something that I hope to be able to live with, without getting myself down when I think about it. It is now apart of me. Who I am and how I deal with things will all affected by what I have experienced.

Why are you so selfish? – This one is simple; because not everything is about you. What I did was about me, and it’s what I felt I needed to do for myself. I was in a great deal of pain; emotional and physical. I needed it to stop. I couldn’t cope any more. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed it to end.

You’re a time waster – A time waster? Just whose time am I wasting? Committing suicide does not waste your time. Your argument is invalid.

All you want is attention – If I wanted attention I wouldn’t have taken enough pills to kill myself. I did. My heart stopped beating, and I died. I did not want attention. I wanted to die. I did die. I achieved my goal. Someone intervened and pulled me back from death. While many people say I should be grateful for this it made me gain attention that I did not want.

Think about the children – Sometimes you have to just think about yourself – See my response above about being selfish. Sometimes thinking about them makes the problem worse. In my case thinking about them and knowing that I had lost them due to the breakup made things worse for me.

What about me? – Who’s the selfish one now? I’ll answer this question with the same question. What about me? I didn’t see a way through the pain. I wanted the pain to end. This was the only way I thought I could end it.

The discussion I had today and one I have regularly with people at work due to my line of work are all started by people who have not experienced suicide. They do not know the kind of pain, the mental anguish, the loneliness, the crying, the confusion, and the judgement that someone who has attempted suicide feels, and I hope they never do, but I implore them to please have some empathy without judgement towards those that have.

Sometimes just having someone listening to our problems without injecting their own into the mix helps. Sometimes we need to be the focus. Sometimes we need a million questions thrown at us before we start to open up about the issues we face. Admitting to someone else that there is actually a problem is very scary. You could be that person to help the one’s suffering silently before they see no other alternatives.

I said above that I won’t ever get over what happened to me, and this is true. I live with what happened to me. I still experience the depression knowing that I hardly get to see my children. Knowing that I’m alone. Knowing that I will never properly be apart of my family again. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss the kids coming in to my room because they’ve had a bad dream and want comforting. I miss seeing each and every new behaviour the kids pick up. I miss seeing them grow as people. All I get is snapshots. A week here. A week there. It’s not enough. It will never be enough. The way I “cope” with this is to bury myself in work, go to events, spend time on myself, “treat” myself to things. I go on trips to very random places. Just to take my mind off of things and try to prevent all of my old feelings boiling to the surface, but surely there is another way? Surely it’s not all about burying them? I can be happy. Right?


It’s hard!

Two weeks! Thats right. It’s been over two weeks since my last cigarette. I’m bloody happy with that, and I intend to carry on.

I’m slowly reducing my nicotine intake with each purchase of the e-liquids. I started on 18mg and I’m currently down to 12mg. I will be buying some more e-liquids early next week, and again will be reducing down to 6mg in the triple menthol flavour I like.

Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I shall be completely off of the e-cigarette. What a bonus that will be!

The bucket list – Is there any point?

Is there any point in a bucket list these days? Of course there is! We’re not all immortal gods and have unlimited wealth, so some of us mere mortals have to plan for the future and do things to make us feel good before we die.

I have compiled my bucket list below in no particular order. For now there shall only be a few things, but over time the list shall grow and accomplishments shall be ticked off. I hope to do all of them before I die.

bucket list

  1. Reach the peak of a mountain – Mount Snowdon – 05/07/2015
  2. Go sky diving
  3. Fly in an aeroplane – I flew to Switzerland on the 11/11/2015 – Take offLanding
  4. Fly in a helicopter
  5. Travel to Scotland – Attempted the National Three Peak Challenge – 02/07/2015
  6. Travel to Italy
  7. Visit the Colosseum
  8. Visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa
  9. Visit Vatican City
  10. Travel to France
  11. Travel to Iceland
  12. Visit the Blue Lagoon
  13. Travel to Switzerland – I travelled to Geneva to visit C.E.R.N. 11/11/2015
  14. Visit C.E.R.N. – I visited C.E.R.N. on 11/11/2015
  15. Travel to The Netherlands
  16. Get stoned legally
  17. Travel to Norway
  18. Get my motorcycle licence – Passed my tests on 29/07/2022
  19. Own a motorcycle – Bought Lucy on 14/07/2022 – She arrived 19/12/2022
  20. Drive a super car
  21. Own a house – Bought a 2 bed flat in July 2017
  22. Walk my daughter down the aisle
  23. Hold my grandchild
  24. See the human race reach Mars
  25. Go to Disney World / Land
  26. Weigh 90 Kg or less
  27. Quit smoking – I quit smoking March 2020 – I quit vaping November 2022
  28. Learn an instrument
  29. Go scuba diving
  30. See the Great Pyramids in Egypt
  31. Do something for charity – Raised £500 for Charity for the National Three Peak Challenge – 02/07/2015
  32. Visit the Eiffel Tower
  33. Visit the Louvre
  34. Travel to the USA
  35. Visit the Smithsonian
  36. Visit the Lincoln Memorial
  37. Visit the Statue of Liberty
  38. Visit and or tour the White House
  39. Celebrate New Year in Time Square
  40. Own a real meteorite
  41. See an active volcano in person
  42. Witness the aurora borealis
  43. Witness the aurora australis
  44. Go water rafting
  45. Eat sushi– Took my Mum for lunch on 28th September 2016
  46. Try LSD
  47. Go to a concert at the O2
  48. Travel to Peru
  49. Visit Machu Picchu
  50. Hike the Valley of the Incas
  51. Travel to Australia
  52. Visit the Great Barrier Reef
  53. Swim with turtles
  54. See an orchestral performance in the Sydney Opera House
  55. Live near my children so I can see them daily
  56. Go to Alton Towers – I went there for the weekend with Ryan – 25/03/2016
  57. Own my car outright – Paid the final payment on 10th September 2015
  58. Go bungee jumping
  59. Get tattoo sleeves
  60. Go on a ride in a hot air balloon
  61. Learn to use chopsticks
  62. Eat an entire meal with chopsticks
  63. Complete a food challenge – Completed the 32oz Steak Challenge at Flaming Grill – 08/02/2016
  64. Get my tongue pierced again – 14th May 2022 – 4th time!
  65. Summit Ben Nevis
  66. Summit Scafell Pike – Summited Scafell Pike 4th June 2021 with my sister, Christina
  67. Learn how to dance the Tango
  68. Tour the ancient ruins in Greece
  69. Go Zorbing
  70. Take my son camping in the Highlands
  71. Blow glass
  72. Work on a pottery wheel
  73. Read a whole novel
  74. Visit Madame Tussauds
  75. See Swan Lake
  76. Visit a castle
  77. Sleep in a castle
  78. Write a recipe book
  79. Learn the alphabet in sign language
  80. Go rock climbing
  81. Take an archery lesson

Last updated 19/01/2023