Why you can’t talk to the uninformed

Somehow today the topic of suicide got brought up and a discussion quickly ensued.

This is a topic close to my heart, and it really pisses me off when people try to say something “intelligent” on the subject or they have their “opinions” about it when they haven’t even experienced it first hand.

If you know me, you may know that I went through a really rough patch in my life a couple of years ago. What you may not know is that I tried to and succeeded at committing suicide. Why? I broke up with the mother of my children who I had been with for over 10 years. I didn’t take the news well and had no idea how to process it. The only option I felt I had left to try to remove the pain was to end my life. I tried and succeeded at killing myself albeit only for a short while.

August 16th 2013 – It’s was a very personal, very shameful, and very difficult day for me. I just found out that the woman who I had spent more than 10 years with, the mother of my children, the woman who I lived with, the woman who I loved with all my heart was leaving me for someone else.

I had no way to process this, and therefore no way to comprehend the fact that “my world” had just imploded in upon itself. In my eyes there was nothing more important to me than what I had just lost, and the only viable way I saw to remove my pain was to end my life.

So as you can see. I have a rather unique and personal view of the subject.

It is with no surprise then that I will get pissed off when people spout comments such as, you will have to just deal with it, it happens. You will get over it, it just takes time. Why are you so selfish? You’re a time waster. All you want is attention. Think of the children. What about me?

Let me break those comments down for you and give you a reason why they are just wrong, and should not be said to someone who is depressed nor anyone who has seen suicide as an option. All you will do is anger them and or make them feel worse.

You will have to just deal with it – Are you that fucking stupid? The reason I attempted suicide in the first place was because I couldn’t deal with what had just happened to me. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t have the knowledge nor the tools to be able to start dealing with what had just happened. All I wanted was for the pain to stop and go away. The only way I could possibly see that happening was to end my life.

Looking back on my whole ordeal I still can’t see a better way of dealing with what I lost. Is it even possible to deal with that type of loss properly and healthily?

The only reason I’m still alive writing this blog post today is because people forced me to go through the pain. Understand the pain, make it apart of myself, and use it.

You will get over it, it just takes time – It’s been more than two years for me since I split with my ex, and I can 100% positively say I will never get over it. How the entire break up went was horrendous for me. During the break up I lost my home, my children, my job, the woman I loved and to top everything off I had to move more than 110 miles away from my children, because I had nowhere nearby to go. It is not something that I will ever get over, however it is something that I hope to be able to live with, without getting myself down when I think about it. It is now apart of me. Who I am and how I deal with things will all affected by what I have experienced.

Why are you so selfish? – This one is simple; because not everything is about you. What I did was about me, and it’s what I felt I needed to do for myself. I was in a great deal of pain; emotional and physical. I needed it to stop. I couldn’t cope any more. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed it to end.

You’re a time waster – A time waster? Just whose time am I wasting? Committing suicide does not waste your time. Your argument is invalid.

All you want is attention – If I wanted attention I wouldn’t have taken enough pills to kill myself. I did. My heart stopped beating, and I died. I did not want attention. I wanted to die. I did die. I achieved my goal. Someone intervened and pulled me back from death. While many people say I should be grateful for this it made me gain attention that I did not want.

Think about the children – Sometimes you have to just think about yourself – See my response above about being selfish. Sometimes thinking about them makes the problem worse. In my case thinking about them and knowing that I had lost them due to the breakup made things worse for me.

What about me? – Who’s the selfish one now? I’ll answer this question with the same question. What about me? I didn’t see a way through the pain. I wanted the pain to end. This was the only way I thought I could end it.

The discussion I had today and one I have regularly with people at work due to my line of work are all started by people who have not experienced suicide. They do not know the kind of pain, the mental anguish, the loneliness, the crying, the confusion, and the judgement that someone who has attempted suicide feels, and I hope they never do, but I implore them to please have some empathy without judgement towards those that have.

Sometimes just having someone listening to our problems without injecting their own into the mix helps. Sometimes we need to be the focus. Sometimes we need a million questions thrown at us before we start to open up about the issues we face. Admitting to someone else that there is actually a problem is very scary. You could be that person to help the one’s suffering silently before they see no other alternatives.

I said above that I won’t ever get over what happened to me, and this is true. I live with what happened to me. I still experience the depression knowing that I hardly get to see my children. Knowing that I’m alone. Knowing that I will never properly be apart of my family again. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss the kids coming in to my room because they’ve had a bad dream and want comforting. I miss seeing each and every new behaviour the kids pick up. I miss seeing them grow as people. All I get is snapshots. A week here. A week there. Two weeks then. It’s not enough. It will never be enough. The way I “cope” with this is to bury myself in work, go to events, spend time on myself, “treat” myself to things. I go on trips to very random places. Just to take my mind off of things and try to prevent all of my old feelings boiling to the surface, because surely there is another way? Surely it’s not all about burying them? I can be happy. Right?



Age restricted gaming

As you all know I’m a gamer and I have been since 1999 when I got my first PC. I now have two children. My boy Ryan 9, and my girl Chloé 6.

There has been an issue raised recently about age restricted gaming products such as Call of duty, or Grand Theft Auto, and children playing them.

The law states that anyone below the age stated on the product should not be allowed to play it. The main census according to a recent poll on the Telegraph website is that it should primarily remain a parental personal choice.

The fact that gaming products are age restricted should be a general indicator that the product is unsuitable for certain age groups. As a parent I would tend to agree with that statement, but being a gamer and having played certain age restricted games I would have to disagree, well at least partially.

If you stay with me for the next bit I will tell you why. If we look at the online multiplayer side of the games Call of Duty and GTA as examples they both have guns, killing, explosives, knives, and stabbing in it.

Lets look at them individually. If we look at GTA’s online free roaming world it pretty much allows you to do anything you want. You can hijack cars, rob convenience stores, run people over, use explosives, have sex with prostitutes and kill people and from what I remember there is a torture scene where the player has to engage to move the story along.

Now lets take a look at Call of Duty’s online game play. You plant bombs and kill people. Yes! That is literally it. Kinda basic.

I’m not being bias while writing this because I have played both types of games, and this is the main reason why I disagree partially with the age rating on some games. I understand why they are there, but it should be more a guideline rather than a strict law.

I will admit that I let my son play Call of Duty even though it is an 18+ rated game. I don’t think it represents proper violence in the way that GTA does. I would however not let him play GTA. Don’t get me wrong though, as I do know that Call of Duty has some very graphic scenes in it, but these are all in the single player, which he does not play.

You can watch a video that deathmule has put together for Call of Duty Advanced Warfare Single Player, but as I said above my boy doesn’t play single player, so he wont even see any of it. So this is why I condone him playing it.

Now watch a video I found for GTA by Dat Saintsfan. I find it epically disgusting, and if I had a choice in the matter I would not let him play it.

What are your thoughts on the matter? Do you feel children should be allowed to play age restricted games? Would you let them play it if you played it first to “vet” it? Leave a comment below with your thoughts.


Top Gear – My thoughts

You should all know what’s been happening with Top Gear by now, and if you don’t then you’ve been living under a rock! It’s been all over the news, in the papers, and all over social media!

As the main incident has now been dealt with by the BBC (the “firing” of Jeremy Clarkson) I thought I would give my two pennies on the whole situation.

I would have to agree with the decision of the BBC to “sack” Jeremy over what he did. It wasn’t professional and nor was it the right thing to do, and it was over something so stupid, however in saying this it is a sad thing that he will no longer be part of Top Gear.

Fortunately there are rumours floating around stating that all three of the boys (Clarkson, May and Hammond) will have another show not on the BBC but on Sky 1 under the name Top Speed. How true this rumour is for sure I can’t say, but if the rumour does come to fruition I will be most happy that the show is not going to die with the BBC, as I’m sure many of its fans will also be.

Top Gear Cast
Image credit:

What are your thoughts on the subject? Do you think it should of been handled differently? Leave a comment below with your thoughts.