Why you can’t talk to the uninformed

Somehow today the topic of suicide got brought up and a discussion quickly ensued.

This is a topic close to my heart, and it really pisses me off when people try to say something “intelligent” on the subject or they have their “opinions” about it when they haven’t even experienced it first hand.

If you know me, you may know that I went through a really rough patch in my life a couple of years ago. What you may not know is that I tried to and succeeded at committing suicide. Why? I broke up with the mother of my children who I had been with for over 10 years. I didn’t take the news well and had no idea how to process it. The only option I felt I had left to try to remove the pain was to end my life. I tried and succeeded at killing myself albeit only for a short while.

August 16th 2013 – It’s was a very personal, very shameful, and very difficult day for me. I just found out that the woman who I had spent more than 10 years with, the mother of my children, the woman who I lived with, the woman who I loved with all my heart was leaving me for someone else.

I had no way to process this, and therefore no way to comprehend the fact that “my world” had just imploded in upon itself. In my eyes there was nothing more important to me than what I had just lost, and the only viable way I saw to remove my pain was to end my life.

So as you can see. I have a rather unique and personal view of the subject.

It is with no surprise then that I will get pissed off when people spout comments such as, you will have to just deal with it, it happens. You will get over it, it just takes time. Why are you so selfish? You’re a time waster. All you want is attention. Think of the children. What about me?

Let me break those comments down for you and give you a reason why they are just wrong, and should not be said to someone who is depressed nor anyone who has seen suicide as an option. All you will do is anger them and or make them feel worse.

You will have to just deal with it – Are you that fucking stupid? The reason I attempted suicide in the first place was because I couldn’t deal with what had just happened to me. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t have the knowledge nor the tools to be able to start dealing with what had just happened. All I wanted was for the pain to stop and go away. The only way I could possibly see that happening was to end my life.

Looking back on my whole ordeal I still can’t see a better way of dealing with what I lost. Is it even possible to deal with that type of loss properly and healthily?

The only reason I’m still alive writing this blog post today is because people forced me to go through the pain. Understand the pain, make it apart of myself, and use it.

You will get over it, it just takes time – It’s been more than two years for me since I split with my ex, and I can 100% positively say I will never get over it. How the entire break up went was horrendous for me. During the break up I lost my home, my children, my job, the woman I loved and to top everything off I had to move more than 110 miles away from my children, because I had nowhere nearby to go. It is not something that I will ever get over, however it is something that I hope to be able to live with, without getting myself down when I think about it. It is now apart of me. Who I am and how I deal with things will all affected by what I have experienced.

Why are you so selfish? – This one is simple; because not everything is about you. What I did was about me, and it’s what I felt I needed to do for myself. I was in a great deal of pain; emotional and physical. I needed it to stop. I couldn’t cope any more. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed it to end.

You’re a time waster – A time waster? Just whose time am I wasting? Committing suicide does not waste your time. Your argument is invalid.

All you want is attention – If I wanted attention I wouldn’t have taken enough pills to kill myself. I did. My heart stopped beating, and I died. I did not want attention. I wanted to die. I did die. I achieved my goal. Someone intervened and pulled me back from death. While many people say I should be grateful for this it made me gain attention that I did not want.

Think about the children – Sometimes you have to just think about yourself – See my response above about being selfish. Sometimes thinking about them makes the problem worse. In my case thinking about them and knowing that I had lost them due to the breakup made things worse for me.

What about me? – Who’s the selfish one now? I’ll answer this question with the same question. What about me? I didn’t see a way through the pain. I wanted the pain to end. This was the only way I thought I could end it.

The discussion I had today and one I have regularly with people at work due to my line of work are all started by people who have not experienced suicide. They do not know the kind of pain, the mental anguish, the loneliness, the crying, the confusion, and the judgement that someone who has attempted suicide feels, and I hope they never do, but I implore them to please have some empathy without judgement towards those that have.

Sometimes just having someone listening to our problems without injecting their own into the mix helps. Sometimes we need to be the focus. Sometimes we need a million questions thrown at us before we start to open up about the issues we face. Admitting to someone else that there is actually a problem is very scary. You could be that person to help the one’s suffering silently before they see no other alternatives.

I said above that I won’t ever get over what happened to me, and this is true. I live with what happened to me. I still experience the depression knowing that I hardly get to see my children. Knowing that I’m alone. Knowing that I will never properly be apart of my family again. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss the kids coming in to my room because they’ve had a bad dream and want comforting. I miss seeing each and every new behaviour the kids pick up. I miss seeing them grow as people. All I get is snapshots. A week here. A week there. Two weeks then. It’s not enough. It will never be enough. The way I “cope” with this is to bury myself in work, go to events, spend time on myself, “treat” myself to things. I go on trips to very random places. Just to take my mind off of things and try to prevent all of my old feelings boiling to the surface, because surely there is another way? Surely it’s not all about burying them? I can be happy. Right?

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It’s hard!

Two weeks! Thats right. It’s been over two weeks since my last cigarette. I’m bloody happy with that, and I intend to carry on.

I’m slowly reducing my nicotine intake with each purchase of the e-liquids. I started on 18mg and I’m currently down to 12mg. I will be buying some more e-liquids early next week, and again will be reducing down to 6mg in the triple menthol flavour I like.

Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I shall be completely off of the e-cigarette. What a bonus that will be!

The bucket list – Is there any point?

Is there any point in a bucket list these days? Of course there is! We’re not all immortal gods and have unlimited wealth, so some of us mere mortals have to plan for the future and do things to make us feel good before we die.

I have compiled my bucket list below in no particular order. For now there shall only be a few things, but over time the list shall grow and accomplishments shall be ticked off. I hope to do all of them before I die.

bucket list

  1. Reach the peak of a mountain – Mount Snowdon – 05/07/2015
  2. Go sky diving
  3. Fly in an aeroplane – I flew to Switzerland on the 11/11/2015 – Take offLanding
  4. Fly in a helicopter
  5. Travel to Scotland – Attempted the National Three Peak Challenge – 02/07/2015
  6. Travel to Italy
  7. Visit the Colosseum
  8. Visit the Leaning Tower of Pisa
  9. Visit Vatican City
  10. Travel to France
  11. Travel to Spain
  12. Travel to Germany
  13. Travel to Iceland
  14. Visit the Blue Lagoon
  15. Travel to Switzerland – I travelled to Geneva to visit C.E.R.N. 11/11/2015
  16. Visit C.E.R.N. – I visited C.E.R.N. on 11/11/2015
  17. See the ATLAS project
  18. See the ALICE project
  19. Travel to The Netherlands
  20. Travel to Amsterdam
  21. Get stoned legally
  22. Travel to Norway
  23. Travel to Finland
  24. Travel to Sweden
  25. Own a sports car
  26. Own a motorcycle
  27. Drive a super car
  28. Own a house
  29. Walk my daughter down the aisle
  30. Hold my grandchild
  31. See the human race reach Mars
  32. Go to Disney World / Land
  33. Weigh 90 Kg or less
  34. Quit smoking
  35. Learn an instrument
  36. Go scuba diving
  37. Go on a cruise
  38. See the Great Pyramids in Egypt
  39. Do something for charity – Raised £500 for Charity for the National Three Peak Challenge – 02/07/2015
  40. Visit the Eiffel Tower
  41. Visit the Louvre
  42. Travel to the USA
  43. Visit the Smithsonian
  44. Visit the Lincoln Memorial
  45. Visit the Statue of Liberty
  46. Visit and Tour the White House
  47. Celebrate New Year in Time Square
  48. Own a real meteorite
  49. See an active volcano in person
  50. Climb an active volcano
  51. Look into the caldera of an active volcano
  52. Witness the aurora borealis
  53. Witness the aurora australis
  54. Witness a tornado F3 and above
  55. Be on television
  56. Be on the radio
  57. Go on a drifting course
  58. Go white water rafting
  59. Eat sushi
  60. Try LSD
  61. Go to a concert at the O2
  62. Travel to Peru
  63. Visit Machu Picchu
  64. Hike the Valley of the Incas
  65. Travel to Australia
  66. Visit the Great Barrier Reef
  67. Swim with turtles
  68. See an orchestral performance in the Sydney Opera House
  69. Travel to Canada
  70. Travel to New Zealand
  71. Live near my children so I can see them daily
  72. Go to Alton Towers – I went there for the weekend with Ryan – 25/03/2016
  73. Visit the Grand Canyon
  74. Visit Yellowstone National Park
  75. Own my car outright
  76. Go bungee jumping
  77. Get tattoo sleeves
  78. Go on a ride in a hot air balloon
  79. Go to China
  80. See the Great Wall of China
  81. Visit the Forbidden City
  82. Learn to use chopsticks
  83. Eat an entire meal with chopsticks
  84. Complete a food challenge – Completed the 32oz Steak Challenge at Flaming Grill – 08/02/2016
  85. Get my tongue pierced again
  86. Travel to Japan
  87. Climb Mount Fuji
  88. Summit Ben Nevis
  89. Summit Scafell Pike
  90. Learn how to dance the Tango
  91. Learn how to take photos of the Milky Way
  92. Photograph the planets and moons
  93. Travel to Mexico
  94. Visit the Mayan Pyramids
  95. Tour the ancient ruins in Greece
  96. Go Zorbing
  97. Go Snowboarding / Skiing
  98. Ride a horse
  99. Take my son camping in the Highlands
  100. Blow glass
  101. Work on a pottery wheel
  102. Read a whole novel
  103. Visit Madame Tussauds
  104. See Swan Lake
  105. Visit a castle
  106. Sleep in a castle
  107. Write a recipe book
  108. Learn the alphabet in sign language
  109. Learn sign language
  110. Have a brief conversation with someone in sign language
  111. Go rock climbing
  112. Take an archery lesson
  113. Visit all seven continents

Last updated 02/05/2016