Google and Star Wars

Back in November Google launched a Star Wars takeover of their various services such as YouTube , Gmail and Google  Maps. Like the majority of people I indulged in it, because it was something new, and lets face it – it was pretty cool!

I am now at the point where I want it all turned off, because if I hear one more lightsaber power up on YouTube I may hurt my computer!

Thankfully all you have to go is go to the Google Star Wars landing page at https://www.google.com/starwars, which should present you with something similar to below. If you’re not logged in, you will need to log yourself in at this point – you should be prompted if you’re not.
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Christmas 2015

Earlier in the year I had agreed with the kids mum that they could come to mine for Christmas this year. I picked them up on the 18th of December. They were due to go back home on the 30th.

Everyone wanted to go out for dinner on Christmas day, and I was going to stay at home with the kids as it would have been just me and them, and cook for us. I was really looking forward to this. Unsurprisingly they all changed their mind. I ended up cooking for 10 people, which wasn’t the greatest decision I had ever made.

I don’t know the exact amount of money I spent on the kids this year, but I am definitely sure they had more than enough. Having only spoke to them the other day, they still haven’t had been able to play with all of their toys properly yet!

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I only just finished wrapping the presents an hour before I picked the kids up from their mums.

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I didn’t have any Christmas stockings for them, so had to go and buy some. I checked several shops and only Morrisons had them! They feel well put together, and only cost me £3 each. That’s what I call a bargain!

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A Night at the Hilton

Up at 4am, working 10 hours, 90-minute drive to Gatwick, and then 10 hours of drinking.

Well that was my day in the simplest form. Obviously there was much more to it. There was an award ceremony, photos, silly antics, meet and greets, laughs, eye candy, and an all round drunken time.

As our company lost their contract it will be our last ever winter ball sadly, however a cracking good time was had.

I left work at 4pm ran to Asda and grabbed some vodka and then made my way to the Hilton. I arrived just before 6 and got straight into the shower. Shortly before 7 the friend I invited turned up. Drinks in hand we headed into the crowds and mingled.

Dinner and celebrations started at 7.30. After the awards the live music started, and the drinking began.

At about 10pm a photo booth was set up where people could dress up and take photos. I had to get in on it this year. We grabbed a few friends to come and join us to have a laugh. I even grabbed someone from upper management!

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Why you can’t talk to the uninformed

Somehow today the topic of suicide got brought up and a discussion quickly ensued.

This is a topic close to my heart, and it really pisses me off when people try to say something “intelligent” on the subject or they have their “opinions” about it when they haven’t even experienced it first hand.

If you know me, you may know that I went through a really rough patch in my life a couple of years ago. What you may not know is that I tried to and succeeded at committing suicide. Why? I broke up with the mother of my children who I had been with for over 10 years. I didn’t take the news well and had no idea how to process it. The only option I felt I had left to try to remove the pain was to end my life. I tried and succeeded at killing myself albeit only for a short while.

August 16th 2013 – It’s was a very personal, very shameful, and very difficult day for me. I just found out that the woman who I had spent more than 10 years with, the mother of my children, the woman who I lived with, the woman who I loved with all my heart was leaving me for someone else.

I had no way to process this, and therefore no way to comprehend the fact that “my world” had just imploded in upon itself. In my eyes there was nothing more important to me than what I had just lost, and the only viable way I saw to remove my pain was to end my life.

So as you can see. I have a rather unique and personal view of the subject.

It is with no surprise then that I will get pissed off when people spout comments such as, you will have to just deal with it, it happens. You will get over it, it just takes time. Why are you so selfish? You’re a time waster. All you want is attention. Think of the children. What about me?

Let me break those comments down for you and give you a reason why they are just wrong, and should not be said to someone who is depressed nor anyone who has seen suicide as an option. All you will do is anger them and or make them feel worse.

You will have to just deal with it – Are you that fucking stupid? The reason I attempted suicide in the first place was because I couldn’t deal with what had just happened to me. I had no idea how to deal with it. I didn’t have the knowledge nor the tools to be able to start dealing with what had just happened. All I wanted was for the pain to stop and go away. The only way I could possibly see that happening was to end my life.

Looking back on my whole ordeal I still can’t see a better way of dealing with what I lost. Is it even possible to deal with that type of loss properly and healthily?

The only reason I’m still alive writing this blog post today is because people forced me to go through the pain. Understand the pain, make it apart of myself, and use it.

You will get over it, it just takes time – It’s been more than two years for me since I split with my ex, and I can 100% positively say I will never get over it. How the entire break up went was horrendous for me. During the break up I lost my home, my children, my job, the woman I loved and to top everything off I had to move more than 110 miles away from my children, because I had nowhere nearby to go. It is not something that I will ever get over, however it is something that I hope to be able to live with, without getting myself down when I think about it. It is now apart of me. Who I am and how I deal with things will all affected by what I have experienced.

Why are you so selfish? – This one is simple; because not everything is about you. What I did was about me, and it’s what I felt I needed to do for myself. I was in a great deal of pain; emotional and physical. I needed it to stop. I couldn’t cope any more. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed it to end.

You’re a time waster – A time waster? Just whose time am I wasting? Committing suicide does not waste your time. Your argument is invalid.

All you want is attention – If I wanted attention I wouldn’t have taken enough pills to kill myself. I did. My heart stopped beating, and I died. I did not want attention. I wanted to die. I did die. I achieved my goal. Someone intervened and pulled me back from death. While many people say I should be grateful for this it made me gain attention that I did not want.

Think about the children – Sometimes you have to just think about yourself – See my response above about being selfish. Sometimes thinking about them makes the problem worse. In my case thinking about them and knowing that I had lost them due to the breakup made things worse for me.

What about me? – Who’s the selfish one now? I’ll answer this question with the same question. What about me? I didn’t see a way through the pain. I wanted the pain to end. This was the only way I thought I could end it.

The discussion I had today and one I have regularly with people at work due to my line of work are all started by people who have not experienced suicide. They do not know the kind of pain, the mental anguish, the loneliness, the crying, the confusion, and the judgement that someone who has attempted suicide feels, and I hope they never do, but I implore them to please have some empathy without judgement towards those that have.

Sometimes just having someone listening to our problems without injecting their own into the mix helps. Sometimes we need to be the focus. Sometimes we need a million questions thrown at us before we start to open up about the issues we face. Admitting to someone else that there is actually a problem is very scary. You could be that person to help the one’s suffering silently before they see no other alternatives.

I said above that I won’t ever get over what happened to me, and this is true. I live with what happened to me. I still experience the depression knowing that I hardly get to see my children. Knowing that I’m alone. Knowing that I will never properly be apart of my family again. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss the kids coming in to my room because they’ve had a bad dream and want comforting. I miss seeing each and every new behaviour the kids pick up. I miss seeing them grow as people. All I get is snapshots. A week here. A week there. Two weeks then. It’s not enough. It will never be enough. The way I “cope” with this is to bury myself in work, go to events, spend time on myself, “treat” myself to things. I go on trips to very random places. Just to take my mind off of things and try to prevent all of my old feelings boiling to the surface, because surely there is another way? Surely it’s not all about burying them? I can be happy. Right?

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